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We Found Love – Another stellar example of Glee selecting another completely inappropriate song for the scenario. Schuester has a pretty loose definition of what constitutes as “hopeless.” Drugs, poverty and falling in love in ...
Welcome to the Glee Bitch Fest! We’re so glad you’ve joined us – miser-glee loves compan-glee! Each week our staff gathers and savagely tears apart everyone’s Gayvorite show, Glee, aka Fox’s biggest train-crash-you-can’t-tear-your-eyes-away-from since a literal train crash. Do you remember, in junior high, when you ran out of time on the final test? In fitful desperation, you started answering the remaining essay questions in erratic bulleted form in hopes of being awarded points regardless? We remember. Watching this week’s episode felt exactly like the last 15 minutes of the SATs.
Summer Nights – While Rachel got a season-spanning character arc about losing her virginity, apparently an abbreviated Grease number can just be thrown in to show that Mercedes has frequent and kinky causal sex. Let’s not forget that Ryan Murphy was finally granted access to shoot at “Rydell High” so why not kill two birds with one stone?
What the fuck is that sound? Oh, it’s Rory, the veritable black hole of charisma. He has the dead eyed perpetual good cheer of a Laurence Welk show vet and is ruining what is, despite its pointlessness, a perfectly enjoyable facsimile of the Grease number.
During the number Sam trills, “If ya know what I mean” right into Blaine’s earnest and gung-ho-I’m-so-excited-we’re-singing-Grease-face. No, Sam. Blaine has no idea what Mercedes’ sweet, sweet pussy tastes like.
Mercedes gave the iconic floating Mufasa-head-in-the-sky a run for it’s money during that split screen ending. Her out-of-control proportions gave Sam a worse-than-usual case of Gumby lips.
Wedding Bells – This could’ve been an outtake from Inception, because we’re sure this number was stolen from our nightmares. When your wedding fantasy is to get married in a high school with paper wedding bells while dancing on a giant cake, then you clearly have some unresolved issues from high school, and you probably also have some weird feelings toward your father.
Moves Like Jagger / Jumpin’ Jack Flash’ – We need to detox with a 20 year heroin and child neglect binge after listening to this complete bastardization.
We Found Love – Another stellar example of Glee selecting another completely inappropriate song for the scenario. Schuester has a pretty loose definition of what constitutes as “hopeless.” Drugs, poverty and falling in love in the ghetto is NOT the same as watching your wife scrub grapes with a toothbrush. Schue unwilling to spend the rest of his life with a woman who refers to his penis as “the trouser snake” sounds like a piping hot pile of #whitepeopleproblems.
Wow! That training pool sure has some great acoustics! How do you suppose the Glee Clubbers managed to silence the deafening reverb of synchronized splashing and a blaring Rhianna dance track? Never mind the sound Artie’s wheelchair must’ve made when he dove in, wheels first.
We’re sure the synchronized swimming routine would’ve made a great third choice for a Teen Vogue editorial, but it probably would have been better suited to Lana Del Rey’s next video.
We’re glad Glee promotes pushing handicapped teenagers into large bodies of water with no lifeguards present. The only thing missing is a clip of Artie doing the doggie paddle.
The Debt – Helen Mirren, what shit does Ryan Murphy have on you? You are probably better than doing voice over gigs on shitty FOX shows, and definitely better than the line “”No Chang-do, I’m no rice queen”. Let us know if you need money.
HasBRO– Mr. Potato Head has a wider range of expressions than Finn. His face looks the same whether or not he’s actually saying anything.
Save The Best Man For Last – It’s not weird at all to have your 17-year-old student be your best man, right? It also may not be a good idea to have a best man who still refers to your wife by her last name. Does Schu not know any other men? Seriously, was Stephen Tobolowsky not available?
Those Poor Children – We’ve said before that we secretly think Glee is actually a fantastical rewriting of Ryan Murphy’s adolescence. It’s no secret that Chord Overstreet is a real life Rocky to Ryan Murphy’s Frank-N-Furter. Let’s face it, the only reason there was a pool scene this week was to score some VPL out of Sam’s wet and clingy swimming trunks.
Finntervention – This was a desperate attempt to compensate for Finn’s lack of personality with personal tragedy. Finn has had the good fortune of never being held accountable for his actions- he is the world’s worst boyfriend, in addition to being a gutless conformist and gullible idiot. This makes him possibly the least qualified member of Glee for manhood, and we are including Quinn (ex-teen mother with sociopathic tendencies) in this tally.
Mr. Working Stiff Goes to Washington – Burt’s dialogue about going to Washington is SUPER believable! We can’t wait until they start dropping debt ceiling references, prompting a rendition of “Dancing on the Ceiling” on the House floor.
Lez Be Honest – Beiste’s line, “We were at the Taco Bell and I looked Cooter right in the eye…” is more lesbionic than Suze Orman’s last vacation to Provincetown during Family Week.
Ryan Murphy’s Law – The worst possible thing that can happen to a character, will happen; Sam was made homeless, Sue’s sister died, Burt had a heart attack, Finn’s war hero father kicked it from a drug overdose, and Rachel was proposed to.
Will Schuester, A Man’s Man – The idea that a man who stays after school to polish his choir trophies but also partakes in fantasy football, is a fantasy in itself.
The Proposal – Finn didn’t even have the decency to ask the fathers’ Berry for their permission… but that was possibly because they don’t exist.
Saving Graces – Sue helps Becky through teen heartbreak. Godammit! They have to pull out a legitimately touching moment from time to time…until Rachel shows up and we can safely go back to hating the show.
Choreography – Schue apparently jumpin’ jack flashed his sleeves right off mid-number. God, is the image of Matthew Morrison in a wife beater a rare form of visual assault. Throw in the butt schooching with Mike Chang across the stage, and we’re pretty sure we qualify to be put in a witness protection program.
Previews for Michael – We’re sure the show will do just as good a job paying tribute to MJ’s memory as they did with that catatonic Regionals mash up. That aside, there will be some excellent dancing from Brittany and Mike Change and some marionette dancing from everyone else, some really boring I-do-or-I-don’t plot with Rachel and Finn, a lot of smelly rolled down socks, and most likely an appearance from Latoya as the art teacher.
Gleedictions come true – We knew the show would be unable to resist a Moves Like Jagger/Rolling Stones mash up. The only way they could have avoided it would be to have Mick Jagger appear as a womanizing janitor.